I LOVE my Body!

Yesterday was a pretty major revelation. I was listening to an episode of one of my favorite podcasts, Almost 30, and it was on body acceptance. I almost didn’t listen to it, because I haven’t thought about my own body image issues in years. The same day, I had a doctor’s appointment and got on a scale for the first time in years. And my weight was more than it had been in probably a decade. And it didn’t phase me. I feel amazing in my body!!!

 After texting my bestie, I realized no one in my current circle, besides my querida Sarah who was my college roommate, knows that I struggled with body image for many years. If no one in my life now knows about it, it means that I haven’t been wrestling with it for at least 6 years! That’s amazing!

When I realized this, I knew that enough time had passed for me to share my journey with you.

Growing up, I was often taller than the boys in school, and definitely bigger than the other girls. Add to that my poofy hair and the fast development of my curves, and by middle school, I was well aware that my body didn’t “fit” with my friends. I didn’t realize at the time that many of the names I was called had to do as much with my mulitracial identity as it did with puberty.

The blond girls, the white girls, the popular girls at my small, private, performing arts school got so good at making me feel my Otherness, they literally created a “cool kids club” that I was not allowed in because my hair was not dirty blond. Or straight. And my curves were too dangerous for their whiteness. It wasn’t always said out loud, but these little kids had already learned their parents’ understanding that to be pretty meant to be white. Blond. Straight hair. Thick, black hair on my legs and arms---a mark of my Latinidad, became a constant source of mockery.

I remember the first time I felt fat. I was in my safe space on my family farm in the mountains of Ciales, Puerto Rico, the Summer between 4th and 5th grade. One of the white, blond girls had become friends with me, and came on the trip. This was the first time I had shared my secret place with anyone outside my family. One day at breakfast, randomly, she said o that she was so glad she didn’t weigh 100 pounds yet. She wasn’t even talking to me, I don’t think. All I remember is this sinking feeling in my stomach that I was already 115. 

As I passed through junior high and high school, my Latinidad came more and more into question. My mom had married my stepdad, who is white, and we had moved to Virginia Beach. Super super super white. Super super super skinny. And without knowing that a whitewashing process had begun, I started trying to manipulate my body to fit in with the other girls. Killing my hair with hot irons and chemicals trying to straighten out my curls. Asking my mom to diet with me. Weight watchers, gross protein shakes. 

And binging on junk food in secret. 

Then one day in 8th grade, my parents and I had a massive fight. And knowing it was a bad decision, I forced myself to throw up. I thought it would drown out the noise. The hormones. The rage. The confusion. It didn’t. I confessed to my Mom, and then kept doing it, whenever I felt particularly out of control of my life. For the next 6 years. 

It got so bad, by my Junior year of College, I was shivering all the time, my nails were almost always blue, and my body was never good enough.

Just before I turned 21, I committed to a new life. I had eloped, and didn’t want to bring my disordered eating into my marriage. So I stopped throwing up and counting every bit of food I consumed. I dove into the opposite end of the spectrum. I drank and ate anything and everything. 

My now former husband and I were living in his hometown of St. Louis, and once again, I felt like the only Latina in the State. More hot irons. And now a new way of fitting in. In the Midwest, being super skinny wasn’t the vibe. Drinking beer and eating lots of fried food, that was the vibe. It’s very much a cultural thing. When you walk into the average home in St. Louis, the first thing you’re asked is if you want a beer. It’s welcoming energy, friendly, fun. And after a few years of enjoying this new found freedom, I was tipping the scales at 172. 

I started acting again, which brought me back to focusing on my body. I knew if I wanted to get an agent, I would need to lose weight. So I started on an intense weight loss journey that took about a year. By the end, I had lost over 40 pounds. And without realizing it, I had also continued a cycle of killing my hormones by extremes. I tried every approach--counting calories, working out for hours every day, going vegan, yoga non-stop. I never once realized I was living in total fear of my body.

By the time I turned 27, I had moved back to NYC, started freelancing with a major agency, and went back to conservatory. There, I took an amazing body awareness and movement class, The Reynolds Technique (then it was called Body Dynamics), and it changed my life. The class was taught by a body worker, and we were learning the basics of body work. As performers, it made total sense, because it’s completely analogous to scene study. Let’s say you’re doing the balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet. You could be doing the same lines, on the same stage, with the same costumes and director, but you do it with Ben and it will be totally different than if you do it with Steve. Same thing with body work. You can do the same movement on one body, and it will be a completely different experience on another body.

Eventually, I apprenticed with Carol Reynolds and became a certified body worker. Now, my speciality is lymphatic drainage and embodiment work. And starting with that first class in March of 2013, I began a relationship with my body that was based on love and hope.

At this same time, I was also deep in the journey of being diagnosed and beginning to heal from endometriosis. Veganism and hormonal birth control had further exacerbated my symptoms, and it was the introduction of Traditional Chinese Medicine that started connecting the food part of my journey. They were the first to encourage me to get off of birth control and to bring organic, grass fed meat back into my life. I did both of those things. And let me tell you, the DAY I took out my IUD, I was flooded with my true self. And I become hornier than a 12 year old boy!  My passion, my life force, was finally flowing again! I felt like I had stepped out the densest fog.

I started researching the connection between food and hormones, found Alisa Vitti’s and Dr. Jolene Brighen’s books, and realized that eating and feeling like a superhero was actually going to feel great! Once I learned that the nourishing foods my body actually craves each are different each week of my cycle, and that certain foods (coffee, refined sugars, dairy, and processed soy) are a total no go for me if I want to feel well, I was able to start intuitively giving my body what it needed. 

Then, my weight dropped to scary low levels at the end of my marriage and into my divorce, even though I was eating healthy and nourishing foods. Stress. It really does kill you.

Suddenly, my family was commenting that I was way too skinny in the pictures I would post. I felt it. My curves were nearly gone. My chronic holding patterns had definitely been unwinding, but part of my process was to shed the emotional weight of my marriage, and that translated to physical weight. Once the divorce was final, for the first time in my life, I wanted to gain weight. I wanted to feel fully me for the first time since I was a child. I didn’t look at a scale, I just went about making my life as delicious and sensual, and lovely as possible. I did deep spiritual healing work. And I have felt absolutely beautiful and sexy in my body for years now. 

So yesterday was like a reminder to acknowledge the journey. It feels amazing to be on this side, and if I can help any of you feel less alone in your process, I’m here for it! Thanks to Krista and Linsdsey for sharing the episode that started the whole thing, and thank you to my body for being my perfect vessel through this incredible adventure of Life. I Love you body!